As I sit here at 3:41 in the morning countless thoughts run through my mind.
So many that it's hard to even try to word all of it really. So many mix emotions,
That in my state one would considered themselves to be bipolar.
How is it even possible to mix depression, a strong yearning for her, feeling
So much love emotionally, yet at the same time feeling depression, sadness
And a beautiful let down.

She only went to sleep 40 minutes ago yet it's an eternity in my mind.
Such longing, such pain just from her being taken away for a mere 10 hours tops,
In my state of mind feels like hell. I'm definitely aching, slightly shaking, and at
Least feel as if I'm breaking.

It feels as if there's a cold empty hole in my chest, as if my heart fell out and I forgot To bleed. A feeling that sends chills through your body, a feeling that makes you Question your existence even. The question doesn't come from the short loss of Her, but more so of a dark, black, silent, evil, feeling, monster even, that from time to Time sneaks up on me.

I can deal with the loss of her for a few hours, I have to, but this feeling that goes Possibly even beyond the tossed around word "depression". It's and indescribable That comes over me from time to time and poisons me, blinds me, engulfs my soul.

Lately I've been saying even the smallest of things that bother me more than they Should are fine, when maybe it's just the opposite. It could very well be these small Things that are causing this emptiness this time, but even with knowing the Possible problem, how does one fix it? How does one fix, what seems to be a Broken soul?

You can't merely buy the missing piece, or glue it back together,
Secretly they're all tearing me down, but I can't seem to let them see through the Armor, that glorious holy fucking armor, that makes them all believe that no matter What they do, even the small things that seem to ruin my day, that all of that is fine, And apparently didn't effect me one bit.

But that's not the case, even the smallest of things, some sinful, seem to tear me Down now. When did I become so weak? The hidden armor that used to protect me From things like that seems to have cracked or maybe even shattered. The smallest Things effect me, I don't see my life going anywhere, I'm sluggish, I've been eating Less, I try to go to bed earlier and it results in me getting less sleep.

And tears? It's been awhile, but they seem to flow so easily now, I'm like a child that Was shown that present he always wanted for Christmas, promised he could have It and then it was snatched away or something.

I seem to be different, and I fear myself in the since that I'm terrified that maybe I'm Not showing her enough affection. That maybe she feels how I've made her feel Twice before, as if I don't care. The one thing I'm beyond sure of is that I can't be Alone, not that it's just a fear, I honestly can't be alone. When I am stupid, mindless, Concerning rants like this appear.

When did I lose my drawing skill? Why are they gone and why does it seem I'm Unable to get them back? Why the sudden lack of poems as well? Is it that my Creativity has literally been cut off? It feels as if that's the case, lately I've been Trying to find my calling, to find my thing, to find what I'm good at and makes me Happy. And honestly I've found nothing, not to the slightest, I thought my calling Was in music, or writing, possibly photography. But all these things I feel as if I'm Unable to do them to a satisfying extent.

I think I just need out of this state, need to get my life on track start over fresh in Good ol' Cali..but even then, where do I go from there really? What kinda of job do I Get when I don't feel I can perfect any of the only ones I thought I was good at?
I'm constantly asking myself questions lately that are confusing the hell out of me..
I'll stop rambling now..

Angel

P.S. I didn't really see this as anything I could classify as poetry etc, thus it goes to the journal, if by some fabricated reason you think it could go somewhere else by all means tell me and I'll move it for you. And yes I noticed it's almost an hour later by the time I finished rambling.